The Runaway Road

In 1980, my mom signed me up for the book of the month club.  I was part of a club - the Book Club.  I felt privileged.  I had bragging rights that a younger sister doesn't often get.  I was a brat.  But could you blame me -I was just so excited to get my books in the mail. The fact that they were hardcovers made them all the more special. 

Sadly, I was never really a book of the month club member.  Mom must have signed me up for the free, no obligation trial offer.  Two books were all I ever got to read. I remember the outrage when a third book came in the mail. 
"I bet they think that the books come and you will feel you have to keep them when your kid sees them.  That's what they are counting on."  Mom said to one of her friends on the phone, "Well, that's too bad, because it's going back!"   I thought she was all talk.  I believed that she would at least let me keep the third book, and cancel after that.  Nope, true to her word the mystery book was returned.  The third book was never taken out of the packaging.   

But it's the second book that I've been thinking about.  The second book I received in the mail was The Runaway Road, by Stan Mack.  The story is about the Puddle Family who are packed up and ready to go on their annual vacation to the mountains.  Just as the Puddles began their journey, the road had other plans.  Instead the road runs away and takes them in a new direction.  The road, who was  sick of the mountains, decides it wants go to the beach.  Metaphorically teaching The Puddles that life doesn't always goes as planned, sometimes even the deepest engraved routines change with life's winding road. 

I can relate to the Puddle family, change is constant.  And I can also relate to the road.

Just like the road in the story, I ran away this weekend.  I made the list, packed the clothes, the toiletries, the first aid kit, the grocerys.  I planned the meals and prepared dinners and salads, then I made a bee line out of town. 

I ran away because in order refuel for life, I needed to separate from it.  I left behind the distractions  - the drama, Gramma's half empty messy apartment, the uncertainty of what September will bring.   I left it all behind and found peace.  When we returned Sunday afternoon I could breathe again.  Ready to handle whatever changes the road may bring.

a letter to my mother

This post is an excerpt from the love letter I gave my mom on her birthday:

Dear Mom, Today as we celebrate you I wanted to let you know how important you are in my life. Happy Birthday. Just like it is hard for me to believe that my kids are growing up, it's hard for me to believe that you have reached this milestone. You have traveled sixty five times around the sun, and with each passing you have learned a little bit more about yourself, with each time around you have grown more beautiful.

There are so many moments in my life where I felt your love and pride. Moments where you made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. And today, I am wondering did I leave you with the same feeling? Do you know how much I love you, how proud I am of you?

I am proud that you let your emotions flow so freely. I am proud that you are the kind of lady who  laughs so hard she pees her pants.  When something sad touches your heart, you cry just as easily.  You live out loud.  Experiencing your life to its fullest.   

I admire how courageously adapted to the stages of your life.  Whether the changes of your life were new and exciting or challenging and difficult, you have met them with an open heart.  Always remaining optimistic about what the future may hold.

I am thirty seven years old.  An adult.  Gone is the mouthy child who thought she knew it all.  In her place stands a woman who still looks to her mother as a compass when making decisions.  A sail when she needs encouragement.  And an anchor when she needs comfort and stability.  Thank-you for these gifts.    I love you so much, xoxo.





Bravo

At the zoo on Sunday I was inspired by this artist.  His commitment to his art, his honesty, and his courage to be himself, encouraged me to do something I never do.  I approached him and asked if I could take his photograph.  I think it is my favorite shot of the day.

Perfect

I have a great opportunity.  On Saturday, I will do my first photo shoot with strangers.  Seven cousins, a portrait that will be a father's day gift for grandpa - the only gift he has asked for the only thing he wants.  It scares the crap out of me.

So badly I want things to go perfect.  I want it so bad that I am afraid of failure.  Terrified of not getting the perfect picture, not being the perfect photographer of letting down these strangers, letting down myself and my dream.

Its been a long time since I did a family portrait.  I did a fall family portrait for myself.  It was a huge fail.  I had trouble with lighting, trouble with focus and depth of field.  The whole experience left me feeling like a fake. 

This holiday season, I declined my sister-in-law.  She asked me to do a family portrait for her and I knew that I didn't have it in me. I couldn't bear to fail again, to be less than perfect, so I declined her request for a family portrait. 

I almost declined this request too.  It means a lot to this family of strangers.  Two of the seven cousins are visiting from out west, this photo shoot isn't a once in a lifetime deal, but certainly once in a long time.  

I've worked out the focusing issues.  I've had the camera sensor and lenses cleaned.  I have practiced with bouncing flash.  I've thought about composition and poses. 

Technically, I can do no more.  Emotionally I need some work.

I am risking and I may fail.  The pictures may not be perfect, I may not be perfect.  I need to accept that.  To embrace imperfection.  These were the feelings of self doubt lead me to the book store to buy a copy of Brene Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection.  

Driving to the store, P!nk was on the radio.  I was singing along to her song, Less Than Perfect.  I had a light bulb aha! moment.


Back in January I emailed P!nk's you tube video to my fifteen year old daughter. I wanted her to know that no matter what she is perfect to me, and she should believe that of herself.  

I'm on my way to buy a book to help me accept and embrace imperfection, and realize the message that I've been giving my daughter is that she is perfect.

Here I am 37 years old, struggling to let go of perfection, telling my daughter she is perfect.  In twenty years will she be on her way to a book store feeling the same way about perfection as I am today? 

Instead of telling her (and myself) that she has to strive for perfection, maybe the message should be that she is enough.  That she will doubt herself.  Sometimes she will be afraid.  She may fail.  She may be disappointed.  She won't always be perfect, or believe she is perfect.  And that is part of her journey. Any vulnerabilities and fears she has  is what makes her human. 

She is enough.  I am enough.

Betty Blogger Summary

I evaluate success in my life by a feeling. If I feel that I am moving forward or growing I feel satisfied. Inner satisfaction for me means a peaceful ease. A sense of pride and self assurance. If I feel that I have come to a halt, mentally, physically or emotionally I feel like I have more work to do, risks to take and rewards to gain.

When I signed up for the Betty Blogger course, I was looking for outer success. How to make my blog look better. For this outer success, I risked being vulnerable. I risked failure and judgement. What I gained was the outer success of a better looking blog, but also I gained knowledge and acceptance. Acceptance from others and more importantly acceptance of myself.

• On a scale of 1-10,how would you rate your knowledge of Web 2.0 and its applications?

I'd say that I am a solid 7.5 I've learned a lot and hope to continue learning.

• Did the Betty Blogger summer school meet your expectations.

Yes, I had wanted to learn how to follow a friends blog, how to link and how to make those nifty collages in Picasa, - check, check and check!

• Did the Library Lady meet your expectations.

Both Melissa and Library Lady exceeded my expectations. They were great.

• What was the most challenging part of Betty Blogger? Why?

For me, the most challenging part was the You Tube task. I tried every way I could think of but could not get the clip on my blog from my home computer, so in frustration, I tried it on my laptop and it worked.

• How did you find the "self-directed" learning model?

Convenient, and enjoyable.

• If we ran this program again, would you recommend it to a friend?

Sure would!

Betty Blogger Task #5 Photo Sharing

In January I started a 365 project. A 365 is taking a picture a day for a year. Before starting my project, I took a lot of pictures, but it was sporadic. I would go weeks without picking up the camera. For me, 365, meant a commitment to myself to work on becoming a better photographer. My images have improved, and I am proud of most of them. My journey has been a joy and I am literally seeing my life through a new lens. But now at over 200 days into my project, I feel like I am in a bit of a creative, mid summer slump. It is easy to take a beautiful image of flowers or fruit, but some days I feel like I am cheating myself out of the more rewarding shots.
I enjoyed looking at the pictures posted on Picasa, especially the ones tagged with 365. I found Picasa to be interesting and inspiring. Looking at other photographers images revs up my own creative engine. I will continue to browse through it in the future. Also, I plan to download it to my computer. I think that their photo editing tools will give my pictures a fresh look - just like an artist gets a new look from using different mediums. The picture I sent to the Library Lady was of a water drop. Now that would be a rewarding picture to capture! I just have to clear the sink of the dirty dishes first. The image was tagged with: 365, day 34, drops.

Revisiting an Important Part of my Past

Growing up almost every weekend was spent making the journey "up north" to our family cottage in Bracebridge. Our cottage was on a double lot shared with my maternal grandparents home. Sadly, as my grandfather's health declined, my grandparents decided it was best to move back to the city. Because the lot was unable to be severed, both properties had to be sold. It broke my heart. The biggest reason that we vacationed at Arrowhead park, was so that I would be able to share a part of my history with my children. The only request that The Boy made for vacation this year, was to go see Toy Story 3. I googled to see where it would be playing before we left the city and was delighted to find that it was playing at the same movie theatre that I went to as a child. The Norwood has undergone renovations, but it still feels the same. It is here that I saw E.T, Ernest Goes to Camp, and other movies. I smiled when I saw the billboard - "Welcome Back To Muskoka" it felt like they put it up just for me.

Just outside the movie theatre is a park. Once a year, in the summer heat, the park would host a giant craft fair. I loved that day. Looking at all the booths, and creative talent. I remember one year being allowed to buy a pencil with fun fur and googly eyes glued on it . I wonder how much that sent my mother back? I am sure it cost a small fortune. My sister and I were in love with the gazebo at the park. For me, I thought it was so romantic, the idea of bands playing and people dancing...

I also made Hubby do a drive by of the seniors centre. My Grandparents were very active with this organization. When I would stay with Grandma and Grandpa in the summer or on winter vacation, they would take me to the seniors centre with them. The seniors would make such a fuss over me, and I felt like they all were my extended grandparents.

I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to drive by the cottage. I thought it might be too hard for me. But in the end, I couldn't get this close and not go have a look. I was surprised to recognize so many of the family names on the signs on the cottage road being ones that I remembered. As we got closer to our old property, I was nervous and excited. And there it was.

Our cottage

My grandparents home


Even now a week later, its hard for me to articulate my emotions. Am I glad I went back - yes. All I know for sure is that it was just as hard to leave it in 2010 as it was almost 20 years ago. As my husband drove away, my stomach sank, and the kids, even The Little Man was silent. My sweet middle son said, "I like your cottage mom."

"Thanks guys, me too" -fade to black

Back with a new challenge - Betty Blogger!

Well, I am back from a week long camping vacation in Arrowhead Provincial Park ( pictures coming soon!), refreshed and ready for a new challenge for myself. I've signed up for a "Betty Blogger" course at my local library.
The purpose of this course is to "develop a better community wide understanding and appreciation for web 2.0 technologies" uhhh...yeah. Considering that I had to google what web 2.0 was, I would say that my current knowledge of it would be low. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being web 2.huh and 10 being web 2.guru, I would grade myself as a 4 - web 2.muddling through.
It's my hope that through this 8 week summer course it will help me with some of my confusion. Things like how to follow a friend's blog, how to have a link to a favorite book o web site, and how to make those fancy pant photo collages are just some of what I hope to learn.
Already I think I may be cheating....the first assignment was to create a blog - I am using pictures from the patch, mostly because I feel that it is here, at the patch where I want to improve my skills, grow and learn.

Lazy Days of Summer

June 15 - "someday" self portrait -
Last year I was wondering around Chapters and came across this beautiful book, about mothers and daughters, and fell in love. It is called Someday by Alison Meghee I originally bought it as a gift for the kid, but I have kept it for myself. So with my daughter away on her first big adventure by herself, I cracked it out, had a few tears, and got on with my day. This is a great book for new moms. Highly recommended.

June 16 - Roses in the Rain
Today I had not a lot time to take my 365 but did manage to shoot this quickie - but I LOVE the way it turned out. Funny how some days I will spend time getting the perfect image, which turns out to be so-so and other days one quick snap shot makes my heart so happy. I think its the faded colours and soft glow that has done it for me. See? One more reason not to clean my windows.


June 17 - Cheese-tastic!
mmm, plastic cheese on toast, another guilty pleasure - add it to the list.

May 31 - June 3 - Life is Pretty Good

June 3 - Feel the Rain

"Reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it,
Release your inhibitions - Feel the rain on your skin,
no one else can feel it for you.
Only you can let it in" - Natasha Bedingfield, Unwritten

June 2 - Life is a bowl full of cherries...

Yup, and at $10.00 a bag enjoy them to the fullest, before they rot.

June 1 - Welcome to the Jungle

When I was taking this picture of the boy's toy story Lego I couldn't help thinking of Ernie from Sesame Street, looking down into his flower box at the Doodle Bugs.

May 31 - Peony

The worker ants did their job and ate away at the outer part of the peony bud, now the flower is free to bloom. I would love to cut these and put them on my table, but every time I do, I end up with a house full of ants. I will just enjoy the image.

My 365's this week look pretty optimistic - kinda a mirror to how I am feeling. I am taking care of the crapped out knee and going to physio, planning a birthday party for the little man ( arrgh, a pirate theme! ) and I finished planting the vegetable garden. This weekend brings a return to the Saturday morning coffee date, and some much needed house keeping. Looking forward to some nesting.

May 13 - Thursday Self Portrait

Okay, so maybe I'm more of a Roseanne than a June Cleaver, or maybe I'm neither. Maybe I am me and I need to stop comparing myself to the TV moms. Life is so much more complicated than a 30 minute sitcom, or even 1 hour drama for that matter. Maybe I need to just work on being me - warts and all.

May 6

I love this graffiti, it makes me think.

Why not go for it?
why not wait it out,
why not believe,
why not disbelieve.
Why can't it be me or my turn,
why not someone else?
Why not?

April 28 - Sugar Shine

I stole the Little Man's push pop for my 365 today. I just thought that it looked stunning with the sunlight streaming through the blue candy - like a stained glass window. I find it ironic that today of all days, I would find the beauty in sugar. But then again maybe it isn't so ironic after all. Since I quit smoking 4 months ago my weight has been a struggle. Its easy to consider sugar the enemy and today I felt like I beat the evil enemy. I ate well, and tried my best to exercise.

Since my knee crapped out on me, I have not been working out. I have stopped running completely, and power walks can only be done on a good day. I mean - I've been active, walking, gardening or riding my bike, but I have not been able to work out. Yesterday I was able to do some low impact aerobics with weights. I was careful to stretch in the middle and at the end of my workout in order to remain mobile tomorrow as well.

Anyway, the point here is that I felt alive. I missed listening to my tunes, singing my heart out, feeling strong and able, as opposed to disabled. Working out for me may never be running again, and while that is sad, I have to grieve and get on with it. Find something new, that will give me the same sense of appreciation for what my body can do if I put my mind to it.

April 26 - Bubbles ( just for fun mom )

Yesterday Charlie found a bottle of bubbles left over from a loot bag, so we headed outside to blow some bubbles. Of course I brought my camera to get a picture for my 365. Charlie was feeling particularly sweet, letting me get all the shots I wanted. Then he looked at me and very seriously said, " One more and then we can play - just for fun Mom."

How often do we as adults do things because we have to and not just for the pure joy in doing so? Just for fun. As kids we don't exercise, we run around the playground or ride our bikes. Children learn for the pure joy in knowledge. One of the main reasons that I started my 365 was to be a better photographer, and its only a by product that I am finding joy in it. What have I done lately just for fun, not because I felt I had to? Yesterday, I put down the camera, and enjoyed the moment for what it was. A morning with my wise little man.

Project 365 - April 20 - Washing the Fire Truck

Do something each day that scares you.

I can't remember where I have heard this, but today I did something that scares me. I approached a stranger and asked if I could take their picture. Not quite as scary as running into a burning building, but it did make my heart beat a little faster.