Finding Our Groove :: an update

We are a couple of weeks into the school year, and dare I say that we are finding our groove. 

Charlie is now a full time student.  In our school board, junior kindergarten and senior kindergarten are full day, every other day programs.  Going every day without a break in between has been an adjustment for The Little Man and his class mates.  Seriously?  You've got to be kidding me?  And, Again?  Were some of the responses that the moms and I heard as we would wake our kids up in the morning.  I'm pretty sure that Charlie has accepted this as his new normal.  His only hope now, is for a snow day.  Yes, one and a half weeks into school and he is praying for snow. 

I fully expected a phone call from the high school on the first day about Josh.  Instead, it was Kenzie texting me from the office.  Apparently, she had chosen the wrong business course and had to make adjustments to her timetable.  Kenzie is not the kind of kid who likes being in the office for any reason even if it's only a timetable change.  Things worked out and she enrolled into another business course.  It's a much better fit - the course content focuses on how business works.  Speaking of The Kid and the business world, she is beginning to look for a part time job.  Another milestone - time keeps marching on, nothing stays the same. 

As for Josh, karma couldn't have been kinder to him on the first day.  True, he left the house alone.  But somewhere in between our house and the school, a few girls (the pretty, popular girls) called out to him and they all walked together.  SCORE one for the little guy.

Josh's favorite subject is drama.  In drama, his words and actions are scripted for him.  For a guy who gets tounge tied, and can't find the right words or actions in everyday life, drama is a safe place to be.   His first journal entry for drama made tears come to my eyes;

"Today is a beginning.  I'm trying to have fun and I think I will achieve it.  Drama is one of the apples of learning but this one is golden.  I went with drama because I hope to learn something, to face my fears and to make my start wonderful.  I would definitely go in tenth grade drama - honest truth."

I'm certain that there will be lots of bumps along the way to next June.  But we've begun.  And the start is always the hardest part.

On His Way

This morning Josh left for his 4 day trip to Quebec with the school.  He packed light, one duffel bag, one backpack, but even with his light load I'm sure he is ready for this. 
I'm sure he's ready.  I'm sure he will be okay.  I keep telling myself this.

I explain having a child on the spectrum as having a child growing up in slow motion.  Josh has typically been slower than other boys to reach his milestones.  My husband and I knew that for Josh's last year of grade school, Josh's resiliency skills and social skills would need to be strengthened.   His readiness for the Quebec trip, and his transition into high school have been the focus of our case conferences. 

The gains he has made this year amaze me.  That's not to say that he hasn't had his moments, but considering what he has to deal with, but I couldn't be prouder how he has handled himself.

So, I should be confident, and I am.  I am not nearly the crying, sobbing mess I was this time last year when the first born had her trip to Quebec.  But just to be sure, I picked up The Orb in Josh's room and asked if he would be fine.  Unclear.   Great.  Just a word of advice, don't second guess your intuition with a toy fortune teller.   He will be fine, he is ready, he can do this. 

  

Little Monkeys

I think I am a pretty good mom.  I am certainly proud of my kids; I love and respect them.  In raising my children, each have helped reveal parts of myself that I never knew existed - or maybe these parts would never have existed with out my three kids.  What I am waiting for is one of the three kids to help reveal that part of me that loves the indoor play experience. 

Yes, I am that mom.  The one who will make mud pies, go to the beach, cheer my kids on, cry with them, the mom who will try her best not to take over the science project (even though I want to).  I am the mom who will get down on the floor and play with my kids.  I am the mom who attends school concerts and graduations, in a stuffy over crowded auditorium, tearing up and beaming with pride.  But, I am not the mom who loves the indoor gym. 

Last week, with The Little Man's cousin visiting from Nova Scotia we planned a field trip to Little Monkey's, an indoor play centre here in our town. I couldn't help but notice the similarities between the indoor gym and a night club.  Both have big lounge-y leather couches.  Both have an area to sweat it out (one a dance floor, one a large climber.) Both have rooms off to the side for private parties.  Both have an arcade section - the play centre equipped with air hockey and the bar with pool tables.  And both the indoor gym and the night club have a bar.  Now only if the indoor gym served alcohol, then maybe I would be that mom.  The mom who loves a Little Monkey's type experience.    

the reason why I go to these places:  the joy on the kids faces. totally worth it.

breaking for lunch.  and yes, i was that mom - the one who packed "fruit" gummies, otherwise known as 100% pure refined sugar.

One Day, Someday.

I stood on my front lawn, my chest shaking and tears welling up in my eyes.  Above me, a parade of four seater sesnas were circling overhead.  My daughter was in one.

Kenzie was on a grade nine geography trip.  As part of her study on urban sprawl, the teacher arranged a field trip to fly around the city.

What was it about my daughter flying directly above me that caused my emotions to bubble to the surface?  A sense of relief?  Pride?  Absolute and pure joy?  All of those reasons, plus something so much more, a feeling I can't quite put into words, but reminds me of a line from one of my favorite story books, Someday by Alison Meghee. 

"Someday you will look at this house and wonder how something that feels so big can look so small,"

And one day, someday, our home wont look small because she is looking out of a plane window. Our home will look small because she has grown into the beautiful woman I know she will be.  One day, someday, she will have her own successes, home, family and life - and it's my hope that when she thinks back to her childhood, she will be filled with feelings so intensely joy full that her own emotions bubble to the surface.

Seriously?!?

"Guess what today is?  It has to do with me, and buying me presents." 

 That's what my son's friend called out when he came over after school today. 

  Seriously? 

This from the kid, who didn't invite Josh to his party. 

This from the kid who comes to my home everyday after school.

This from the kid who has been Josh's best friend since grade two. 

I can be the adult here.

If Josh can take it with a grain of salt, then I can too.

"Happy Birthday Joe."

There I did it.

With steam coming out of my ears, but I did it.

"Did you get me anything?" he asked.

You've got to be kidding me.

Why is he poking Mama Bear?

"Did you invite me to your party?"
There goes my adult card.

"No."

"Did you invite me to your party" pipes up my son.

"No."

"Then no, I didn't get you anything."

geesh.

Perfect

I have a great opportunity.  On Saturday, I will do my first photo shoot with strangers.  Seven cousins, a portrait that will be a father's day gift for grandpa - the only gift he has asked for the only thing he wants.  It scares the crap out of me.

So badly I want things to go perfect.  I want it so bad that I am afraid of failure.  Terrified of not getting the perfect picture, not being the perfect photographer of letting down these strangers, letting down myself and my dream.

Its been a long time since I did a family portrait.  I did a fall family portrait for myself.  It was a huge fail.  I had trouble with lighting, trouble with focus and depth of field.  The whole experience left me feeling like a fake. 

This holiday season, I declined my sister-in-law.  She asked me to do a family portrait for her and I knew that I didn't have it in me. I couldn't bear to fail again, to be less than perfect, so I declined her request for a family portrait. 

I almost declined this request too.  It means a lot to this family of strangers.  Two of the seven cousins are visiting from out west, this photo shoot isn't a once in a lifetime deal, but certainly once in a long time.  

I've worked out the focusing issues.  I've had the camera sensor and lenses cleaned.  I have practiced with bouncing flash.  I've thought about composition and poses. 

Technically, I can do no more.  Emotionally I need some work.

I am risking and I may fail.  The pictures may not be perfect, I may not be perfect.  I need to accept that.  To embrace imperfection.  These were the feelings of self doubt lead me to the book store to buy a copy of Brene Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection.  

Driving to the store, P!nk was on the radio.  I was singing along to her song, Less Than Perfect.  I had a light bulb aha! moment.


Back in January I emailed P!nk's you tube video to my fifteen year old daughter. I wanted her to know that no matter what she is perfect to me, and she should believe that of herself.  

I'm on my way to buy a book to help me accept and embrace imperfection, and realize the message that I've been giving my daughter is that she is perfect.

Here I am 37 years old, struggling to let go of perfection, telling my daughter she is perfect.  In twenty years will she be on her way to a book store feeling the same way about perfection as I am today? 

Instead of telling her (and myself) that she has to strive for perfection, maybe the message should be that she is enough.  That she will doubt herself.  Sometimes she will be afraid.  She may fail.  She may be disappointed.  She won't always be perfect, or believe she is perfect.  And that is part of her journey. Any vulnerabilities and fears she has  is what makes her human. 

She is enough.  I am enough.

fifteen - happy birthday Kid

Fifteen.  My daughter is fifteen.  A couple of things baffle me about her being fifteen.  First, I never expected it to go by so quickly.  Second, I am a little surprised that I can call her a friend.  Don't get me wrong.  I am her Mom first and foremost.  But when I consider the qualities that I look for in a friend, she has them all.  I am lucky to have her in my life.  She is a joy to watch grow up. 

The boys were going to Monster Jam at night, so for her birthday, her brothers wanted to take her out on daytime dates.  Her thirteen year old brother asked her out to Tim Hortons.  He told her in his sweet way that she could choose anything that she wanted.  Josh paid for their "date" with his Christmas money.  Not to be outdone, The Little Man offered to take his big sister to the "slushie" store (the convience store) to pick out whatever candy she wanted.  He paid for their date with Dad's money.  Which is better than how he originally was planning on paying for his "date" - with his sister's birthday money!

While the boys were at Monster Jam, The Kid had some friends over to help celebrate her birthday.  I stayed up in my room, but I did hear lots of giggling from the basement. 

balloons



The Dancing Kitteh shirt I ordered online for her.  She is big fan of Ray William Johnson or " =3 "



Blowing out her candles on her ice cream cake. 



Gerbra daisies for my girl.



The Boy is A Teen

The boy celebrated his 13th birthday this week. Because it was a big milestone, we got him a bigger gift than we normally would. A PS3!
He was pretty excited about it, until he realized it was an empty box. We had set it up the night before, so he could play games with his buddies after school.

"T" for teen!

I love this picture of him. So happy and sweet. No teen angst here.

Blow em out, make a wish buddy!

The pokemon cake that he requested in JUNE! We had this at his family and friends party. He had five boys sleep over, and the family came for pizza and cake.

After he opened his gifts, we made him stand on a chair, make a speech and cheer, "I'm a big kid now!" He seemed pleased with this (but look at his sister in the background - NO WAY would she be caught doing that!)

First Day of School for the Big Kids

The Little Man got up early to see his siblings off. I thought that he would be bummed about not having his brother around to play with him all day, but he has enjoyed some one on one mommy time, including a special breakfast out.

My son in his super cool Mario shirt. He kept giving me goofy smiles. Guess he had the nervous sillies.

The Kid, with her high school in the back ground. She bolted just after the picture was taken.

Another goofy smile from the Boy.

September 7 - Today was the first day of school for the big kids. This year I don't have a picture of my kids together, because they are heading in different directions, which makes me a little sad. I was excited to hear all about their first day, how they liked their teachers, who they ate lunch with, if their friends were in the same class as they were. There was lots of happy chatter around the dinner table. I felt a HUGE sense of relief. Phew, got through the first day, no casualties. A great begining for the rest of the year ~ fingers crossed!

365 Project - August 4 - Water Fun

Water + balloons + boys = Summer Fun!

365 Project - August 5 - Big Boy Bed

The Little Man finally got his first big boy bed last night. He had been sleeping in a toddler sized blue race car bed. I thought that he would sad to see his race car go, but he was so proud and excited to be a big boy.

Funny how one additional piece of furniture means rearranging the whole house. I spent the better part of the day moving furniture. His smile at bedtime made it all worthwhile.

Princess Grad

Grade eight. I remember it so well. It was such a transformational year for myself, and it was a year of transformation for my daughter as well. She has grown up so much this past year - and her grade eight graduation was an awesome way to showcase her growth. She had been preparing for this night for a long time. I think it was back in March that we bought her a dress. She had been to the mall with a friend and found the perfect one. The day of started with a manicure, and hanging out with a friend. In the afternoon, I took her to get her hair done. After dinner, she did her makeup, and got into her dress.
Even though I had seen her in her dress, and had seen her with her makeup and hair done, when I saw her all put together, she took my breath away a little. She was stunning. I was so proud. We had time for a few quick snapshots on the front lawn before we left.

on her way...she and I walked over to her friends house, while Hubby took the van to the school.

After a few more pictures with her friend, the graduates walked to the high school where the ceremony was. As I watched the girls walk, I was remembering how they became friends - walking back and forth to kindergarten. It seemed fitting that they walked into their newest adventure together.

Receiving her certificate from her teacher and principal. We broke the rules of applause only and cheered her on!

Dancing with her Dad. Looking at this makes my heart melt. So proud of you kiddo!

Father's Day

June 20 - Drive by Visit-
I am so lucky and honoured to have both of these great men in my life. My husband is a great father. He is patient, kind, and understanding. My kids know that their Dad always has and always will have their back - but at the same time he pushes them to spread their wings and try. He is the one who has taught them to tie their shoes and ride a bike ( there is no way I would have had the courage to let go of the bike.) He is just as proud of his children as they are of him. I have heard all of them brag about their Dad when they think I can't hear. They brag about his strength, little do they know just how strong their Dad is - inside and out.
My father is wise, and kind. I have always known that he was there for me no matter how far away he is. In my adult life, Dad has moved around a lot for work, and right now is doing a job in the United States, so I felt very blessed that he just happened to be around for Father's Day. I understand my father - in a way that can be described as heart felt, he doesn't talk a lot. I know that he has suffered great loss, but continues to try his best, and learn from his mistakes.
These men make me so proud. One choose me to share in his life, and one fate choose me to share in his life. I have learned so much from both. Dad and John

My father and I

Dad and Lynda

At the Farm

June 18 - Field Trip!
I volunteered on Friday to go to a local farm with Charlie's junior kindergarten class. It has been awhile since I rode a school bus, and was surprised just how bumpy, and rocky it was. The kids had fun, and screamed every time we hit a bump or went around a corner. Not surprisingly, The Little Man did not want to sit beside me on the bus, but that's okay - I am glad I was able to see him enjoy his friends. I had four little boys in my group, they all were well behaved; I only had one who was slippery - a quiet boy who kept wandering off. I managed alright, and returned to the school with four boys, and the same ones - bonus! What a day, I can't imagine working with kids all day, I was exhausted at the end of it. Hats off to all the people who do this for a living!
the little man on the fence

watching the big fat, gross sow- she was something!

June 12 -14 - Busy Weekend

June 12 - Ugly shirt self portrait
On Saturday night we attended a ugly shirt party. I dug out this shirt that I made in grade eight with my best friend Dawn. We had matching hats too. What were we thinking? This shirt is horrible. I cant seem to let myself throw it out - but I have retired it to being my hair dye shirt. Anyways, my ugly shirt did win me the prize of the night - dinner for two - a box of Kraft Dinner. Too funny. We had a good time, but as soon as I got home, off came the shirt. Enough ugly for one night.
June 14 -
I finally got out the invites to the Little Man's pirate party. I am very happy with the way they turned out. Charlie was so excited to drop them off at his friends houses. We have a few more to drop off tonight.

June 13 & 14 - And She's Off!!

The Kids is on her way to Quebec today with the school. She will be gone for 4 days. I know, not long, but it's the longest and farthest away she has been from home. I am sure she will do fine. At least I am pretty sure she will do fine. She tends to have a low bullshit tolerance - and that makes me worried that she will stress herself out instead of enjoy the experience.

I knew that I would not be able to drop her off myself with out making a public embarrassment of our family. I did have a bit - okay a big cry on Sunday night. After all the lists were checked, the clothes, ipod, camera, books for the bus, deck of cards, bathing suit, umbrella, emergency first aid kit, emergency rain poncho....it hit me she was going. The Kid would have to take care of herself if there was a problem, I could give her the tools, but she had to be the one to utilize them. Its what we do as parents, teach your children, so they can be independent. And if the goal is independence, then what then is my role as mother. My role as mother is to be ready and interested to hear all about her adventures. To be a soft spot in the world to land, to give encouragement or advice when needed. My role is to step back and watch her grow.

So I am watching her grow. It used to be that I would look at her and see traces of the baby she once was, and now, I look at her and catch glimpses of the woman she will become. If I look hard enough there is still evidence of my little girl, just check out Winston, her teddy bear packed in her bag.

May 13 - Thursday Self Portrait

Okay, so maybe I'm more of a Roseanne than a June Cleaver, or maybe I'm neither. Maybe I am me and I need to stop comparing myself to the TV moms. Life is so much more complicated than a 30 minute sitcom, or even 1 hour drama for that matter. Maybe I need to just work on being me - warts and all.

May 11 - Goodbye Bling!

Today The Kid got her braces off! I convinced her to do a before and after. I think this may be one of maybe three pictures of her with her braces.
and TaDa!

(growing up too fast, where does the time go?)