To quiet the noise, I've been working my ass off. Stripping and sanding a deck, planning birthday parties, packing, laundry, cleaning the kids rooms, anything. Busy work I call it. Like if I work hard enough, than that will make me enough.
Enough. I'm so sick and tired of trying to be enough, and the journey to enoughness. And enough by whose standards? Mine? Theirs? And who the hell are they anyway? I've read so many stories on the Internet of women who seem to step into their enoughness effortlessly. Like they wake up one morning and there they are, fully capable and confident in themselves. Never stepping back into the shadows of self consciousness. How is it so easy for them? What is stopping me from this awakening?
Is it supposed to be an awakening? A light bulb, aha moment? Because if it is, I've had a few of those. The problem is these flashes of light always seem to dim, and I am left questioning myself amid the dark self doubt that lurk in my mind.
I question the choices I've made, and even worse the choices I didn't make. I question why I am where I'm at. I am stay at home mom. This has been my job for the last seven years. In my job there are no pay stubs and no T4 slips. Monetary rewards are something I gave up in return for the opportunity to care for my family.
I know it was a choice that made a difference. I know it was enough. I mattered. I believe this, and yet part of me feels like I let myself down. That in caring for my family I lost my voice.
In September my job is being downsized. Charlie is going to be in school full time. My job, a big part of my identity will be eliminated. This chapter of my life is coming to a close and I don't know where my story is going.
I'm not sure where to go from here.
And if all this self doubt talk has you wanting to scream, "You stupid, spoiled girl. Get a grip, pull out your big girl panites and get on with life," don't worry you're not alone. I've said it to myself a thousand times.
I just need to quiet the noise in my head to clear so I can hear it.
