Perfect

I have a great opportunity.  On Saturday, I will do my first photo shoot with strangers.  Seven cousins, a portrait that will be a father's day gift for grandpa - the only gift he has asked for the only thing he wants.  It scares the crap out of me.

So badly I want things to go perfect.  I want it so bad that I am afraid of failure.  Terrified of not getting the perfect picture, not being the perfect photographer of letting down these strangers, letting down myself and my dream.

Its been a long time since I did a family portrait.  I did a fall family portrait for myself.  It was a huge fail.  I had trouble with lighting, trouble with focus and depth of field.  The whole experience left me feeling like a fake. 

This holiday season, I declined my sister-in-law.  She asked me to do a family portrait for her and I knew that I didn't have it in me. I couldn't bear to fail again, to be less than perfect, so I declined her request for a family portrait. 

I almost declined this request too.  It means a lot to this family of strangers.  Two of the seven cousins are visiting from out west, this photo shoot isn't a once in a lifetime deal, but certainly once in a long time.  

I've worked out the focusing issues.  I've had the camera sensor and lenses cleaned.  I have practiced with bouncing flash.  I've thought about composition and poses. 

Technically, I can do no more.  Emotionally I need some work.

I am risking and I may fail.  The pictures may not be perfect, I may not be perfect.  I need to accept that.  To embrace imperfection.  These were the feelings of self doubt lead me to the book store to buy a copy of Brene Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection.  

Driving to the store, P!nk was on the radio.  I was singing along to her song, Less Than Perfect.  I had a light bulb aha! moment.


Back in January I emailed P!nk's you tube video to my fifteen year old daughter. I wanted her to know that no matter what she is perfect to me, and she should believe that of herself.  

I'm on my way to buy a book to help me accept and embrace imperfection, and realize the message that I've been giving my daughter is that she is perfect.

Here I am 37 years old, struggling to let go of perfection, telling my daughter she is perfect.  In twenty years will she be on her way to a book store feeling the same way about perfection as I am today? 

Instead of telling her (and myself) that she has to strive for perfection, maybe the message should be that she is enough.  That she will doubt herself.  Sometimes she will be afraid.  She may fail.  She may be disappointed.  She won't always be perfect, or believe she is perfect.  And that is part of her journey. Any vulnerabilities and fears she has  is what makes her human. 

She is enough.  I am enough.

How Things Stack Up

I have spent many hours playing blocks with my kids.  With care we would stack the blocks on on top of the other, as high as we could.   We built until either we ran out of blocks, we ran out of interest or the tower crashed to the floor.   So proud were the occasions that we successfully built our castles with every block in the bag. If the tower crashed, we would take the lessons we learned about structure, balance and strong foundations to rebuild a better, stronger palace.   

Life stacks up in much the same way as those colourful building blocks.  Seemingly small choices in your life can turn into something amazing.  My friend Jen started walking each night after dinner.  One step at a time, one choice at a time she not only lost weight but has become one of those crazy runners that will run in any weather (just kidding Jen, you know I love you.)  This weekend Jen will run the Around the Bay race, a 30km run.  One step at a time, one choice at a time. 

Alternatively, crappy choices can stack up and cause your castle to crash. 

I've found it's not the big decisions that cause your castle to crash.  The big, life altering choices are the ones that you think long and hard about the ones where sit down to make a pro and con list. 

No, it's the small decisions that can come up and bite you in the butt.  The small choices are the ones that make up life.  The choice to eat the donut or not, to go for the walk, to save up your pennies for a rainy day or blow a bit of extra cash on a new pair of shoes.  It's little, everyday decisions like these the when you reflect back on let you know how things, how life stacks up. 

Phew, that was long winded.

The whole point of me blogging about stacks is because Week 3 of Picture Inspiration had us looking for stacks.  Tracey encouraged us to not only look for stacks but to play photo stylists and create our own stacks.  After all the talk about building blocks, you would think that I chose to photograph a  block castle. 

Nope. 

Jello.  The boys and I made rainbow jello in honour of St. Patricks Day.  Rainbow layers!

Totally unrelated to building blocks, but enjoy none the less. 

.

Go shorty

it's my birthday

gonna party like it's my birthday

gonna sip Bacardi like its my birthday

you know i don't give a -

cause its my birthday

I love birthdays.  I love my birthday.  My birthday is my day to shine.  My day to celebrate me.  To make wishes for my future.  To believe those wishes can come true.  Birthdays are all about new beginnings. 

I love beginnings.  The start of a new season, the first entry in a new journal, babies and  the intro Everlong by the Foo Fighters are some of my favorite beginnings. 

What's not to love about beginnings?  No mistakes, full of promise. 

Today, as a birthday gift to myself, I am beginning my second 365.  A picture a day for a year, version two.   here we go....happy birthday to me.


1/365
Sunrise - nothing says new beginnings like a sunrise after the worse snowstorm of the season.

Moon Chaser

August 2009



March 2010

March 2010

August 2010

November 2010

February 2011

March 2011 -super moon

March 2011 - super moon

I love photographing the moon.  But, getting a great image of the moon is tricky.  I certainly wouldn't call myself an expert.  Over the past few years, I have learned a few tricks:

•  use a tripod or set your camera on a stable surface
• shoot early - either in the evening or morning, when the sky isn't as dark
• spot meter the moon
• add other elements into the picture for more interest - (tree branches, city lights, roof tops, etc.)
• use a zoom lens
• bring a flashlight out with you so you can see your camera's buttons and dials
• don't get so excited that you forget all you know :)

Next time you see a beautiful moon, get out and give moon photography a try.  Like any challenge the rewards are worth it. 

What's Your Motif?

Motif:

1. a recurring subject, theme, idea, etc., especially in a literary, artistic, or musical work.
2. a distinctive and recurring form, shape, figure, etc., in a design, as in a painting or on wallpaper.
3. a dominant idea or feature



  Picture Inspiration asked us to look for and photograph motifs in our everyday lives.  When I went looking around my home for patterns, they were hard to find.  I realized  that I am not a pattern person.  I have stripes, plaids, and polka dots but very few patterns in my home.  I'm hoping that next week I will be more inspired from the prompt.  sigh.

Cottage Life

After Dad's birthday lunch, we raced home from the restaurant to pack the Durango for an over night stay at  a friends cottage.  We had been warned to bring the four wheel drive because the road into the cottage is steep and tricky to maneuver.  It was a tight squeeze to get the five of us and our gear into the SUV, but we managed.  I was surprised that I enjoyed drive. I think the awesome play list Hubby made for the trip helped well, that and the 2 glasses of wine at lunch.  Plus,  I knew that the three and a half hours of "downtime" with my family was much needed.   

  The cottage road was as treacherous as promised.  The hills were as steep as I expected.  The narrow road was covered in a layer of ice and snow (not expected), with steep embankments on either side (also not expected.)  Finally after a twenty minute white knuckled drive, I was able to exhale when we arrived at Dave and Christine's cottage. 

  Nestled amongst the tall trees with the embankment acting as a cradle, the cottage is part of community of about four vacation homes.  Looking up at the trees makes you feel small.  The cottage itself is bright, spacious and beautiful, but still felt cozy, warm and friendly.  Just like my cottage growing up. 

  I started thinking about the magic of cottage life.  What is it about the cottage that makes everyday routines so special?

  Cottage life is all about simple pleasures.  It's about family and friends and leaning on each other for support and entertainment.  It's about telling stories, sharing memories, and making new ones. Cottaging is about exploring, finding adventure, about relaxing.  Cottaging brings you back to nature, and reminds you that you and your problems are part of a bigger story unfolding just as it should. 

 

sharing some laughs

the men

craft time

Dad's Birthday

Saturday,  the whole fam damily celebrated my dad's 70th birthday. Recently my father remarked to me that if he lives to see ten more birthdays he would consider himself lucky. Seventy. Ten years. The thought of it takes my breath away, and not in a good way.

I wouldn't call myself a daddy's girl, but I suppose I am.  Even though I can't remember the last time or even a time period where I ever called him Daddy.  Athough I'm sure I did when I was little.

It's hard to put our relationship into words. Maybe because there hasn't been too many words. Neither one of us are very good at laying our hearts on the line. To be honest, we haven't needed a lot of conversation.   He loves me and is proud of me.  I feel it, no need for words.

 

i love this picture.

blowing out the candles with his grandsons.

Finding Rhythm

rhythm - (Fine Arts & Visual Arts / Art Terms) (in painting, sculpture, architecture, etc.) a harmonious sequence or pattern of masses alternating with voids, of light alternating with shade, of alternating colours, etc.

The Picture Inspiration prompt this week asked us to explore this definition of rhythm.

Oh dear.  My house, my life and quite frankly my mind has lost its rhythm.  I go through spurts where my mind races, jumping from one idea to the next. The only problem with these moments of inspiration is that they are fleeting.  These ideas come so quickly that I can't seem to grasp them.  Or if I do grasp them I don't hold the attention span to finish them, which only adds to my anxiety.  My house is full of half finished projects and scraps of papers with ideas jotted down.  During these spurts, I go to bed exhausted, only to have my mind race on into the night.  I knew that finding rhythm this week would be a challenge. 

I thought about how I would like to portray rhythm in my capture.  Rhythm, hmm.  I think music and dance. 
I wanted to take a picture of a musical instrument.  A piano would be perfect, with it's alternating dark and light keys, but it was the obvious choice.  I thought how cool would the insides of the piano be?  With the felt hammers hitting the strings.  A sweet mommy friend said I could come take a picture of her piano.  It's one thing to grab a quick shot of piano keys but it's another thing entirely to climb up to take a picture of the insides of her piano (cue anxiety setting in.)  

Instead, I photographed our auto harp. The auto harp is a pretty cool instrument.  Ours has a colourful history behind it.  My father bought the auto harp for his brother Birch.  Birch was an interesting character to say the least.  What I remember about Birch was that he smoked roll his own cigarettes, drank beer and told ghost stories to scare his nieces and nephews.  Uncle Birch was an interesting man, but not musical.  When my father would visit with Birch, he would ask if he had been playing the auto harp.  Birch would reply that it was out of tune.  My dad would spend the time to tune it for Birch.  Only to have the same conversation with him the next time he saw his brother.

auto harp - a harmonious sequence or pattern of masses alternation with voids, light alternating with shade, ect.

I uploaded the auto harp picture to the Big Picture Classes gallery.  But wasn't sure of it.  I went on a mission to find rhythm in my house.  I snapped this of the dinner plates.  A pretty picture, but I just didn't feel it. 

 

dinner plates - a harmonious sequence or pattern of masses alternation with voids, of light alternating with shade, ect.

I tried one last time.  Rhythm.  I thought of cars on a highway, whizzing past much like the thoughts racing through my head.  I set out to get a picture of cars.  What I ended up with was this picture of the hydro field. For some reason, I love this.  I can't say why I love it so much, it just speaks to me in a way that the other images didn't this week. 

pink hydro field - a harmonious sequence or pattern of masses alternating with voids, or light alternating with shade, of alternating colours, ect.

appy birday baby

appy birday to you

appy birday to you

appy birday dear John,

appy birday to you.

I love birthdays.  What I love the most is that birthdays are a day to celebrate one person.  This Friday, we celebrated my husband's birthday.  John is my favorite person.  I am proud to share my life with him. 

What's more, look at the kids faces in the pictures below (ignore the crappy lighting/flash.)  You can see the pride in their faces.  He honestly is our rock.  I am so grateful for him.   





Josh and his dad.

being silly



what you cant see in this picture, and my favorite part,
 is the way the little man is proudly patting his dad's back



Gracie's Mum

Do you know the word recognition game?  I give you a word, you tell me the first word or thoughts that come to mind?  Well, up until last year if I was given Multiple Sclerosis, I would say, read-a-thon and McGruff the Dog. Up until last year, I hadn't given MS much thought, let alone what it would be like to live with MS.

That changed last year when my cousin/friend Angela was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  At the time of her diagnosis, I remember the family wanting so badly to help support  Angela, her husband Steve and their three year old daughter Grace.  Since they live in Nova Scotia, it was hard to lend any kind of real support.  Cards and a fruit basket were sent, phone calls with well wishes made, and one drunken night I chatted online with Steve all trying to convey how we wished we could do more. 

I did what I usually do.  Research.  To the computer I went, trying to figure out the why and how this could happen to a person as funny and smart as Angela.  So much of what I read was science based.  Most of it went over my head.  In very simplistic, unscientific terms (and I hope that I have this right),  I learned that Multiple Sclerosis means "many scars."  This scarring occurs when the body attacks its own central nervous system.  These attacks are called flare ups.  Flare ups can cause permanent damage to the nervous system (brain and spinal cord).  The symptoms vary depending on what part of the brain or spinal cord was damaged in the attack.

So that's the science of MS.  But even knowing the science, I felt bad that I couldn't fully understand what Steve and Angela's daily life might be like.  I suggested to Angela that she start a blog.  By the end of the day the first post of Gracie's Mum: A story of a mum with ms was up.  That was less than a month ago.  In the past month, I have learned so much  about her journey, her struggles, and triumphs with MS.

To honour and celebrate Angela and her family, myself and  a few of her Ontario relatives are participating in the MS walk.  Please click on the link and pledge what you can.